I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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