Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm determined to sit on that face.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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