Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
