Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
