My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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