this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
