the condom got lost in my hair
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
