So drunk, too bad you don't want this
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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