oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
