btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
