my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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