I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
