the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
