I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
