Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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