He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
