sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
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