Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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