Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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