I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
