how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
