man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
