Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize
