You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
