I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
