Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
