i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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