you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
