1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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