put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
