How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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