Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
