im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
