my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Randomize
