I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
