i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
he thought i was a dude.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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