no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
