Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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