The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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