So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
