Umm I'm too high to move.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
