Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
