I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
