i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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