Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
