She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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