dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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