a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
