So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
