You don't have asthma, your pregnant
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
